Tall Tree: A story by Michael

This piece was submitted to the Men With Heart Project this week and simply must be shared.  Mentors, fathers, trees--great stuff...

It is inspiring me to ask the question, 'who were my mentors?'  Strangely, I think I come from a generation that mentored themselves.  My parents were nuts.  Herman Hesse, the TV show Kung Fu, my best friend and hitch-hiking companion Jerry- these were my mentors.  Still, all that said, my real mentor was my father.  Did we have the best relationship?  No.  Did i receive a lot from him?  Everything. 

When I look at the world today, or back at the world when I was a kid it seems designed, conspiring to keep young men from being what they could be- Thank god for the martial arts-  Aikido.  It was amazing- I flew through the air and came up ready to take the energy of the world and redirect it.  But that came later, at around 13-16, but the story Two Trees inspired me to tell is about my Father and takes place way before then.  When I was just a boy, I guess around 8, my Dad took me, for a weekend or two, to something called Indian Guides.  I don't remember much, I remember my Dad being mainly interested in the other adults, but your name, 'Two Trees" makes me remember my Dad and I choosing our Indian names.  I was a bit of a spaz and about the only thing I could almost do well was run.  I was, like, the fourth fastest kid on the block.  That was all I had.  I had lost a lot.  Anyway, because of my imagined speed I chose the name, 'Galloping Wind.'  I made my Name Necklace and drew a picture of a multi tailed sperm- my idea of what the wind looked like.

My Dad chose the name, 'Tall Tree.'  I remember his quiet, methodical hand drawing a beautiful tall tree on his necklace.  And he was, he is actually, a Tall Tree of a man.  6'4'. Height is a blessing in this world and he passed it on to me.  My father and I have always looked down on the world from our lofty stances.  We have taken comfort and safety from removing ourselves from the dance of life.  For me, it has been a great journey back down to the ground, back down to feeling the gifts of the earth, and touch and love.  I still have anger at my father, I wish I did not.  I wish I could discard it, and I know I will soon, but it is still there.  Why am I angry at him?  I guess because he was not Tall Tree.  I needed Tall Tree.  He did not stand strong against the winds.  He was not strong or smart enough with his choices; he led me smack into a lot of pain.  Inside of me, I think Tall Tree would have shielded me more, with more love. 

I am trying to be Tall Tree right now, to my Son, to my world.  So, I wish I could forgive my Dad completely.  I need to.  It is a sign for me, that I am still angry at him- it says to me, 'the past is still alive.'  I need to put the past to sleep.  What do I need from him, what would help me do that?   I wish he could just say to me, 'Son, I am sorry my choices brought you so much pain, I really am.'  Actually, I probably don't even need that.  I just need to stop running from the pain that is in my heart.  I wish I could share it with him in a way that would not terrify him.

Now don't get me wrong, my Dad is a good man.  Tall, smart, witty, a good teacher, a loving man in his way, but wise, I can not call him wise.  Tall Tree wise, now that is Wisdom.  If I am honest with myself, that is what I wanted him to be.  That is what I want to be.  I believe I am becoming a Tall Tree, maybe I am 'Tree of a Medium Height' now.  If I am it is because of all the secret mentoring he did give me.  The mentoring in the quiet moments, in smiles, in movement, in the touches, in the constancy, in crispness of mind.  I thank him for all the times I looked up and saw the Sun shining down between his branches.


-Michael
serious.mrb@gmail.com